What one relationship would hold “the happiest and most fully human of loves,” in your opinion? Surely it would be in the romantic love between spouses, right? In C. S. Lewis’s mind, you would be incorrect. This is certainly surprising. To him, the happiest form of love is found in the brotherly love (Philadelphia) of friendship. Lewis believed that friendship was the closest thing to the love we’ll share in Heaven. 

Friendships are born from a shared affection for something else – something in common. You don’t find friendship by looking  for it. It finds you as you pursue your affections. This is easily contrasted with romantic love. Lewis states that, “Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever talk about friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.” Friendship arises from the thought, “What, you too? I thought no one but myself…”. 

Lewis’s way of framing the idea of friendship is to think about companionship – people you travel the same path with. It takes place in sports bars, golf courses, hunting trucks or in men’s meetings like this. Friendships can be qualified by the “Clubbabalness” of the relationship. In ancient communities, this kind of “clubbabalness” could be seen on the hunting field or on the battle ground. These common and shared activities created a kind of “matrix of friendship” where commonality could be expressed. Today, this is seen as men regularly gather to play Dungeons & Dragons or on indoor football pitches or in a book club. Friendship is a kind of “arbitrary” or “uninquisitive” love. The only question it really asks is “do you see the same truth?” It doesn’t need (or want) to know all of the facts of one’s life. In fact, answers to questions might not even change much about a friend’s relationship. This may be why most favors fulfilled in the bonds of Philia carry a “don’t mention it” attitude. It’s not that I don’t care about you – I truly do! I just know that we both care more about “shared-interest-x.” Friendship is more about brotherhood than feelings – though, feelings of affection are present and even grow as trust grows. 

Unfortunately, friendship is under attack these days. By that, I don’t mean that people hate friendship or despise the idea of it. Rather, they simply greatly undervalue it. It must be said that friendship is not necessary to life. It’s not like the love of a mother or the acceptance of God. Friendship is certainly not vital. As Lewis says, “it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” Friendship can’t give you life. But, it can give you a higher quality and experience of life. Friendship has a way of drawing the best out of life and each other.